Thanks to reader JP for not ignoring articles about Mark Rein like the rest of us.

Mark Rein is the vice president of Epic Games. His job is to get people to license the Unreal Engine. He goes about this by visiting conferences and sounding so out of touch that people will think the Unreal Engine must be really good to keep Epic in business with Mark on the team.

His latest trip was to England, where he kicked things off by announcing that “very little of [the episodic business model] makes any actual sense.”

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You’re the beautiful star now, dog.

Our marketing department has looked at the traffic for the site and has decided that for maximum traffic, all future posts should have intimations of headbutting, but only if actual headbutts cannot be delivered. Our marketers work very hard. Like the engine of a moped on the freeway.

Anyway, Penny Arcade is down on Silicon Knights because of their crappy E3 demo for Too Human, which is now seen as an obstacle to the development of further Eternal Darkness games. To Tycho and a lot of others, a crappy E3 demo means a crappy final game.

Metafuture will set the record straight: the actual correlation is that a super-hot demo means someone will steal its guts. Happened with Half-Life 2, happened with the Wii, now it might have happened with Hellgate: London.

Most Americans don’t like soccer, mostly because it’s a game entirely comprised of people falling over as soon as someone else touches them. We already have a televised diversion in which the participants pretend to get hit a lot harder than they really did. It’s called pro wrestling, and wrestlers are a billion times better at it than soccer players, because they have to do it while actually getting some of the crap knocked out of them.

So there. But the World Cup final between France and Italy had a moment where the French team captain headbutted an Italian player, and you could almost believe for a second that the guy genuinely took a hard enough hit to fall down, and this inspired a couple of uncredited gamers to create the following GIFs:

Personally, I think even Rey Mysterio would have “no-sell”ed that.

Gears of War designer “Cliffy” shares with us on his blog that he was really excited to meet Kelly Clarkson, then offers the following note about her fans:

comprised of bored housewives, 12 year old girls, and really, really gay men

Then he leaves us hanging as to which of the three he is penciling himself in under in the fan club guestbook. Metafuture bucks the trend and guesses option two.

Shigeru Miyamoto was over just now, and we watched the new God Hand trailer (embedded below). He left the following statement as he skipped away grinning his unique and disturbing grin:

God Hand is the ultimate expression of the joy of humanity, specifically the punching part of the joy of humanity. We all like to punch, but some of us do not like to hit, maybe because we do not want to get hit, or maybe because we think it isn’t nice. Some of us don’t mind so much and enjoy both punching and hitting. Whether that is true for you or not, God Hand is true punching.

Don’t even think about trying to patch from the game’s updater. 5.2MB! Way to go, THQ! To put things in perspective, that’s an accomplishment akin to what one might expect to see from Brian Crecente if he snuck into a 10th grade grammar bee.

Another Metafuture Hooray goes to GameSpot for still not having the file. I guess the weekend came a little early for El Juegopunto.

If you want the patch, you’re going to have to stand in line at Fileplanet or look for it on your favorite “click here then here then here then here oops server queue is full, thanks for the CPM-rate-depressing ad views” site.

Spotted on Kotaku, concerning Penny Arcade:

If video game journalism were a Shakespearean play, they would be the clowns. (Kotaku would be the homicidal, naval-staring stepson.)

First thing: You can’t say “if (it) were.” You either have to say “if it was” or, as I suspect was the intent, “if’n it were.”

Second thing: There is no second thing. The abstract concept of Brian Crecente’s day-to-day mental activities is in fact best illustrated by the metaphor of gawking out into nothing while floating in the vast, empty sea. This perhaps unintentionally seaworthy train of his thought lays track in the portion of the brain most writers reserve for actually knowing the very basics of the language they are paid to write in.